Goodbye

My little ariel is already 2 and it was quite a good time to try for another child.

So at an optimal period, we tried and managed to conceive, much to my surprise, considering for the first pregnancy, we tried for more than 9 months.

I didn't give it much thought in the initial days, and decided to wait til 8 weeks to see the gynae, same doctor who delivered ariel.

At the ultrasound, the doctor frowned because she could only see a gestational sac and a yolk. She referred to my old notes. Ariel was scanned at 7weeks and 2 days, presumably younger than this foetus, but already had a form and a strong blinking heartbeat.

Perhaps ovulation was late. Perhaps calculation was wrong. Perhaps it's too early to detect.

Nevertheless, she gave me some options and I was scheduled to see her again in 2 weeks. Much thought went through my mind. I asked the Lord that if this child was not perfect, please let me miscarry naturally instead of going through a procedure.

Sometime on Monday night this week, I spotted some bright pink stain. Then the next morning at work, 2 patches of bright red blood. I read that spotting is normal, but probably not fresh blood. The flow got heavier in the afternoon. Towards the evening, I felt waves of cramps. I read some accounts of women going through natural miscarriage, that it was like a mini labour. I passed out big clots. And finally a huge glob almost the size of my palm. It was quite a sight. There were veins surrounding this tissue and there was a little fold which I did not dare to touch or pry open. I wondered if this was a placenta and in it held the baby who did not make it? Anyway I did not muster enough courage to examine it. This was it, I miscarried at 9 weeks.

Managed to get a next-day appointment with Dr KT Tan since I told the staff that I was bleeding. So I told her what I went through the day before, and she was quite convinced that this pregnancy had ended. She did some cleaning of the cervical area, examination, another scan, and was glad that the body had managed to purge most of the tissues out, with a 5mm lining which would pass out in about 2 weeks. Thank God that the body was able to self-cleanse.

All these while, I suppose reality had not sank it. But at the doctor's office, I choked up with emotions and could not hold back my tears. I felt bad that the happy expectant mothers outside had to see my sorrow. Releasing my grief was the closure I needed.

Honestly, I had such a packed week of work that I didn't feel like I needed much leave. Dr Tan was insistent on me resting especially after I broke down in front of her. She gave me a generous hospitalization leave of 1.5 weeks although I didn't have any procedure done.

After the appointment, I composed myself and went back to work. I shared about the miscarriage to closer colleagues as I'll be on long leave, closed the outstanding work I had and did some handing over, so I could also rest with a peace of mind.

I also heeded advice to do a mini confinement after this episode. Since it's too short a notice for my aunt to come out to cook for me, and I also don't really like the maid's cooking, I discussed with my mother and decided to cater confinement food. it was good that I was already researching catered food in anticipation of my pregnancy coming to term.

So I quickly contacted Natal Essentials who could do a one week single meal plan for me. Made payment and I look forward to starting my confinement meals tomorrow. Despite this, I am actually quite excited to eat tasty nourishing food! I remember enjoying the dishes my aunt did for my confinement after birthing ariel. How would it be? Doing confinement without a baby.

Many things to be grateful about despite it all.
1) My miracle and gift, my firstborn. Her unconditional love and joy melts all sadness away.
2) Family support, certainly.
3) My dear dear friend who unfortunately went through such an ordeal just before me. Her experience and emotional support enriched me. And I marvel that God allowed this to happen for His greater purpose.
4) Abba Father, who knows the beginning and the end. Whose Son is carrying this child in His bosom.

One day, I will see you in the glory your Creator made you in.

2 Samuel 12:23 ... Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.