thoughts

it's one day to the start of my social work attachment. i'm filled with excitement and at the same time, apprehension.

well i'm going to be working in the church office, close to 3 months of going there daily, like a full time staff. and i'm going to be working among the elites in church.

not that i'm unfamiliar with the office (i go there quite often to help paul), but having pastors and zone supervisors walking pass u while u work makes me uneasy. honestly when i help paul in the office, i like to go at timings when there's hardly anybody around. i prefer to hide at his desk and do my own thing rather than have him ask me fetch documents from the printer..cos that means i have to walk pass pastor, zs, and many others.

i've always thought it'll be nice to mingle among the leadership, but of late, the thought has become quite intimidating.

u know, everytime i look at the pastors and full time staff, they give me a sense of distinction. plainly speaking, in another class. and u know, i actually think of trivia issues like, oh no, what if i don't own ed hardy or true religion jeans? will i be out of place there? the ladies in the first row all look so fashionable and wear nice makeup.

i'm really a fearful person aren't i???

well then u might ask, why go work at chcsa then? yesterday i was talking to joshua, and he was so excited for me going there for attachment. like u know, being a sort of full time staff is a 'wow' thing.

honestly, i didn't give much thought of going to do attachment at chcsa. i wanted to go to ite or mcys to gain some secular exposure. i find i can be more outgoing and daring with unknown people.

when my nus friends ask me where i'm going, i'd say 'oh some sort of fsc'. paul encouraged me to do my placement at chcsa. so i just email my professor to 'see how'. then there was a call, and approval.. and viola, i unexpectedly landed a place.

oh no the more i type, i feel i'm really such a FEARFUL person. joshua told me, since everything turned out so nicely and is approved, then it means it's a open door from God and there MUST be a purpose. do i realised that?? nus could have easily said no, like some who tried and got rejected.

pastor kong said on saturday that NOBODY should be shy. because, 'fear not, for I am with you.' michael told me that he can be the quietest person around, but 'to influence, you have to talk.'

you know, the more i type, the more i realise how inward looking i am. and i'm allowing the devil to put fear in me than looking forward to enjoy my experience. no. that will not happen. i will go confidently and boldly to do my best and learn the most.

ah, all ends well i guess. thank God for writing therapy. thanks for sticking through with me, if you have :)